Back in a previous life, when I used to virtually live in hotels – sometimes literally so – it became exceedingly apparent that these were strange little places. There were some omnipresent highlights; like meticulously clean bathrooms and that feeling of dropping onto a perfectly made bed for the first time. More often than not, though, hotels proved to be home to a maddening collection of offenses by both staff and fellow travelers alike. These are the worst of those transgressions.
The Eternal Check-In
When I made a reservation, I gave you my name, address, email, phone number, and all my credit card info. I presume that somewhere in the complex workings of innkeeping, you reserved a room in some fashion for me at that same time.
Continue reading Shit That Needs to Stop : Hotels
Starbucks was once a place I avoided at all costs; my temporary occupation as a writer, though, has all but forced me to embrace the Seattle Satan in my everyday routine. It’s not all bad, it serves its purpose, and from time to time it’s a thoroughly enjoyable couple of hours. Some aspects, however, I just can’t deal with.
The Impatient Barista
Here’s a typical exchange between myself and the green-aproned soul taking my order :
ME : “I’ll have a Grande Hazelnut Coffee…an-“
BARISTA : “Ok is that all?” Continue reading Shit That Needs to Stop : Starbucks
Let me ask you a question. The next time you’re out in public, maybe somewhere classy like an Applebee’s, would you be willing to accept $100 in exchange for standing tall and screaming:
“Excuse me! May I have your attention? I want the world to know that I just farted. It was satisfying in the moment, but I just now realized how eye-watering foul the resulting stench was, and the guilt is driving me mad. I can no longer in good conscience sit here implying with my watering eyes that this was the doing of the chunky twelve-year-old boy at the table next to us. It was I, and I am sorry. Also, I consistently disappoint my sex partners.” ?
If you are, then please record such activity and submit it to me immediately for payment. Continue reading Shit That Needs to Stop : Black Friday
Look, people are stupid. We know this. There are too many people watching Two and a Half Men or downloading Nicki Minaj’s “music” to conclude anything different. Under normal conditions, us intelligent folk can navigate our way through the minefield of idiocy relatively unscathed. Note : I took the liberty of assuming if you’re reading this, you must be intelligent…or at the very least have excellent taste.
When you cram 150 random people into a twelve-foot diameter tube, though – that’s a whole lot of concentrated dumb. Surviving several hours in this pressurized pipe can be a trying test for even the most passive passenger. If you ever wondered why you find yourself weighing out the consequences of committing assault and battery halfway through your flight, these are likely the reasons why.
Continue reading Shit That Needs to Stop : Plane Behavior
In case you missed it, we posted the first set of Facebook atrocities earlier this year. You might want to start there. Or do these first. It’s not like there’s a plot to follow.
1) Using a Photo of Your Child as Your Profile Picture
Yeah, so, I didn’t ask to become friends with your 4-year old. I’m sure he’s a great guy and everything, probably a wonderful conversationalist, but I was actually more interested in keeping in touch with you. Kind of like, you know, the reason for being on Facebook to begin with.
“But he’s such a big part of my life! It represents me!”
Yeah, well, I watch a lot of porn, but you don’t see me using Sasha Grey as my profile picture.
Ideally, we want to see what you look like; you should know that 90% of the reason Facebook exists is to see how hot or ugly our former classmates and ex-girlfriends and boyfriends have become. Do your part. If you want to throw your kid in there as an accessory, fine. Want to have the occasional graphic or logo to celebrate or protest something? Go nuts. But we don’t need pictures of someone else. Continue reading Shit That Needs to Stop : Facebook II