Chances are, one of them is circulating through your body right now. Unless you’ve found a way to cure herpes with essential oils (and again, I’m really sorry about that), you’ve most likely left your doctor’s office in the not-so-distant past with a unintelligibly-written slip of paper. You then motored directly to your nearest CVS or Walgreen’s, only for a pharmacy tech to ask detailed questions about said paper that you could not possibly answer. Good times all around.
An hour later, you scooted on home with your panacea pills in a cloudy orange bottle. Maybe you’re the living-dangerously type that went bottoms up right away and popped a few down your gullet without reading the novel stapled to the bag; maybe you were a little more like your humble author and wanted to understand a little more about the pharma-cocktail you were about to ingest.
Continue reading Shit That Needs to Stop : Prescription Drugs
I hate dating.
It’s an inverse Sophie’s Choice really, determining which of the two stages are more painful. There’s the actual dates themselves, volleys of uninteresting small talk queries occasionally pierced by idle observations on the food/beverage or other customers surrounding you. At worst, it’s a couple hours of your life you’ll never get back that serve only to push you further down the foxhole of sweet, sweet permanent solitude; at best, you walk away with a faint optimism about a second date—an optimism that, deep down inside, you know will be crushed in due time by the revelation of their functional alcoholism or Beanie Baby collection.
Continue reading Shit That Needs to Stop : Tinder
At one time or another, we’ve all been there. Some of us still go often. Yet more of us go once each quarter but put “3x per week” on our dating profiles.
It’s The Gym. Whether you patronize fancy-schmancy places like LA Fitness or that budget shithole Planet Fitness (like I do), the experience is largely the same – only the sartorial quality of the front desk staff, bathroom fixtures, and monthly payments vary significantly.
Unfortunately, the majority of that common experience is a frustrating one. There’s almost zero upside to The Gym, actually… maybe a communal sense of progress and a synergy of motivation? Yeah, that’s pushing it. It mostly sucks.
Continue reading Shit That Needs to Stop : The Gym
So, as some of you may know (I really don’t get into my backstory here, do I? I should write a book or something…) I spent a fair share of my life in the corporate office setting, being driven mildly insane by the dumb shit people do there. Yes, it wasn’t always sweatpants and Starbucks for your humble narrator – I used to be sitting where you are, right now, in a cubicle reading dumb shit on the internet with an Excel sheet open underneath it and a quick Taskbar trigger finger in case that asshole that gossips too much to your boss happens to walk behind you.
Anyway, the most concentrated, irritating, egregious aspects of these dipshits’ behavior manifest themselves over email. Here, now, are the worst of the offenses :
Continue reading Shit That Needs to Stop : Business Email
Whenever I talk about getting a driver’s license with my friends from Europe, they express considerable shock at how easy it is for us Americans to earn the right to drive. Whereas getting your license in Germany requires years of classes and training and thousands of dollars, here in ‘Merica you can get one with about $99, a few hours, and a pulse.
I understand the lack of mass transit here makes this arrangement almost necessary, lest we have an entire generation of would-be students and workers stranded at home playing Destiny on their PS4s, but the result of the bar for driving eligibility being set ocean-bottom-low is painfully apparent out on our streets and highways. Here are the most annoying, dangerous, and infuriating examples of shitty drivers dominating our thoroughfares.
Get In (Or Out Of) Your Lane
At least once, in every commute over ten miles using our wonderful Interstate system, I will encounter one example of Rights Guy. He’s in the far left lane, with his cruise control set at 69mph in a 70mph zone. He has his hands at 10 and 2 on the wheel, staring straight ahead, and he’s probably listening to Lee Greenwood. Continue reading Shit That Needs to Stop : Driving