Tag Archives: fail

Dick Remote Guy

Below is another excerpt from the forthcoming book, due early next year…

As my mid-thirties approached and I was still unmarried – hell, I hadn’t even strung together more than six months of dating one person in years – I began to feel isolated from the friends I had cherished since our time in college.  The friends with kids weren’t going to leave the house when weekend nights came to pass, and the friends married sans kids weren’t very keen on going to the kind of places single people wanted to go – namely, places with lots of other single people.  Thus began the cycle of having to make a choice each weekend – you could make solitary attempts at finding love, or spend the time enjoying friends while acknowledging you implicitly signed up for one more week of being alone.

No anecdote better summarized the ridiculous hopelessness of dating than the girl who told me the tale of Remote Guy.  It was our second date; the first had gone well enough, and we were exchanging stories of frustration about being thirty-something and single, the well seemingly run dry for the lot of us.  She told me of a guy she dated earlier that summer who sat across the table from her in a bar overlooking Woodward Avenue during the Dream Cruise, a Detroit tradition where classic cars cruise the street one weekend each year.  Looking over the sea of antique steel and car guys, he asked my date “Hey… do you have DirecTV?”

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Shit That Needs to Stop : Plane Behavior

Look, people are stupid.  We know this.  There are too many people watching Two and a Half Men or downloading Nicki Minaj’s “music” to conclude anything different.  Under normal conditions, us intelligent folk can navigate our way through the minefield of idiocy relatively unscathed.  Note : I took the liberty of assuming if you’re reading this, you must be intelligent…or at the very least have excellent taste.

When you cram 150 random people into a twelve-foot diameter tube, though – that’s a whole lot of concentrated dumb.  Surviving several hours in this pressurized pipe can be a trying test for even the most passive passenger.  If you ever wondered why you find yourself weighing out the consequences of committing assault and battery halfway through your flight, these are likely the reasons why.

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Circlejerk Activism

It’s tricky to criticize a person that works in social activism.  Whether you’re a businessperson, athlete, unemployed writer, or high-price escort, you’ll be starting with considerably less credibility from an altruism standpoint.  Who are you to be critical of how they go about their work?  They’re out there trying to make the world a better place, and you’re out there whoring yourself for bigger paydays (literally, in the final example).

If they’re dedicating their entire week – if not their entire life – to a cause greater than their own bank account, then logic seems to dictate they will, in fact, do much more than the average member of society to make the world a better place.

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