It’s coming up on that time of year again, my friends. Teens riddled with social ADHD sprinting across town every Saturday to go to five different parties, and Hallmark stores turning healthy profits off various signage and helium balloons in the shape of a ‘1’ and ‘4’.
Yes, it’s graduation time. I can’t help but think about my own high school graduation about this time every year – when your humble author tipped the scales at 125 pounds, had never consumed alcohol, and thought he had a career in computer programming in store for him. Suffice to say, things changed.
Having endured my own high school ceremony’s painful valedictorian speech, and witnessing many since then, I can’t help but almost feel sorry for these kids and their wildly off-point dreams and assumptions regarding their future.
Watching a pimple-faced teen that 99% of the graduates don’t actually know try to string together five-syllable words and insert awkward pop-song lyrics in an egregious attempt to relate to the same classmates that spent the better part of the last four years ignoring them doesn’t really prepare you for much.
As a public service to today’s youth – and it really is all about the children – here’s a graduation speech you can use to actually help these poor saps about to go into six figures of debt to get their next degree.