Look, people are stupid. We know this. There are too many people watching Two and a Half Men or downloading Nicki Minaj’s “music” to conclude anything different. Under normal conditions, us intelligent folk can navigate our way through the minefield of idiocy relatively unscathed. Note : I took the liberty of assuming if you’re reading this, you must be intelligent…or at the very least have excellent taste.
When you cram 150 random people into a twelve-foot diameter tube, though – that’s a whole lot of concentrated dumb. Surviving several hours in this pressurized pipe can be a trying test for even the most passive passenger. If you ever wondered why you find yourself weighing out the consequences of committing assault and battery halfway through your flight, these are likely the reasons why.
1 ) Rolling Carry-On Luggage Down the Aisle
I know it’s a miracle of the 21st century that you don’t have to actually carry your fancy high-tech luggage over flat surfaces. However, when attempting to roll a twenty-two inch wide suitcase down a twenty-four inch wide aisle, you’re going to be bumping a lot of legs along your way – and it’s annoying as hell. God forbid you pick the damn thing up, and actually carry it the length of the plane. The legs of everyone seated along the aisle will thank you.
2) Not Understanding How Seat Numbering Works
I sincerely wonder how these people managed to get to the airport in the first place.
It is truly one of the great mysteries of our time that people driving down a street can so intuitively grasp that the address numbers are going up or down as they proceed, and odd numbers are on one side and even on the other – yet virtually identical logic is completely lost on them once they enter a fuselage.
Ever since about fifteen minutes after the Wright Brothers first landed, row numbers in a plane have started at 1 and increased as you head toward the rear of the plane. Every time. Every. Fucking. Time. Sure, there will occasionally be some skipped rows between classes – but rest assured that when you’re standing motionless and dumbfounded at Row 12, your seat in Row 31 is not going to be in the next row, so keep it moving, dumbass.
Oh, and seat A is on your right. Every time. Every. Fucking. Time.