Look, people are stupid. We know this. There are too many people watching Two and a Half Men or downloading Nicki Minaj’s “music” to conclude anything different. Under normal conditions, us intelligent folk can navigate our way through the minefield of idiocy relatively unscathed. Note : I took the liberty of assuming if you’re reading this, you must be intelligent…or at the very least have excellent taste.
When you cram 150 random people into a twelve-foot diameter tube, though – that’s a whole lot of concentrated dumb. Surviving several hours in this pressurized pipe can be a trying test for even the most passive passenger. If you ever wondered why you find yourself weighing out the consequences of committing assault and battery halfway through your flight, these are likely the reasons why.
1 ) Rolling Carry-On Luggage Down the Aisle
I know it’s a miracle of the 21st century that you don’t have to actually carry your fancy high-tech luggage over flat surfaces. However, when attempting to roll a twenty-two inch wide suitcase down a twenty-four inch wide aisle, you’re going to be bumping a lot of legs along your way – and it’s annoying as hell. God forbid you pick the damn thing up, and actually carry it the length of the plane. The legs of everyone seated along the aisle will thank you.
2) Not Understanding How Seat Numbering Works
I sincerely wonder how these people managed to get to the airport in the first place.
It is truly one of the great mysteries of our time that people driving down a street can so intuitively grasp that the address numbers are going up or down as they proceed, and odd numbers are on one side and even on the other – yet virtually identical logic is completely lost on them once they enter a fuselage.
Ever since about fifteen minutes after the Wright Brothers first landed, row numbers in a plane have started at 1 and increased as you head toward the rear of the plane. Every time. Every. Fucking. Time. Sure, there will occasionally be some skipped rows between classes – but rest assured that when you’re standing motionless and dumbfounded at Row 12, your seat in Row 31 is not going to be in the next row, so keep it moving, dumbass.
Oh, and seat A is on your right. Every time. Every. Fucking. Time.
3) Failure to Understand Armrest Protocol.
The window seat gets to lean against the wall, so they get the outermost armrest.
The aisle seat can lean into the aisle, so they get the innermost armrest.
The middle seat gets both middle armrests.
These are the rules.
There are no exceptions.
4) Bringing Food On the Airplane
Total dick move. If you couldn’t quite finish your coffee, or you needed to grab a candy bar as some quick fuel as you ran down the concourse to catch your flight, that’s ok. But the jackass who gets a gallon-sized takeout container of Indian food and carries it aboard to crack open after takeoff? Yeah, that shit is unacceptable.
Even a food aroma that would otherwise be pleasant gets awfully overpowering awfully quickly in a pressurized, enclosed space. Not surprisingly, people who do this seem to also seem to have a distinct preference for spicy, smelly foods.
Eat before you get on the plane, or live with the shitty stuff they will try to sell you on it.
5) Talking to People Next to You
When seated on an airplane, you should follow the same protocols as a massage therapist :
- No handjobs under any circumstances
- No speaking unless spoken to
I know what you’re thinking : “But Tanktronic, if two people are both waiting to speak until spoken to, then no one will ever talk!”
6) Making a Scene on Board Because You Can’t Sit Near Friends or Family
Listen, panicked parents. I know you think you cut a sympathetic figure when you loudly badger the flight attendant to “somehow find a way to seat you all together” while they’re trying to do their job of getting the plane ready for takeoff. If you have gone this far in the process without ensuring your kids are sitting next to you, then you’re a dipshit, and it’s not their issue. Let’s review the times at which you could have addressed this issue
- After buying the tickets online, you can immediately select seats. OR…
- When you get to the airport and drop your bags, and ask the desk agent. OR…
- When you get to your gate, and ask the gate agent.
To be completely oblivious to any and all of these solutions makes this entirely your fault. Anything the attendant does for you is strictly a courtesy for your poor planning ass.
7) Showing Great Urgency Getting On or Off the Aircraft
I never understood why people treat boarding a plane like it’s a gangbang, and they need to get in it before everyone else does. You’re about to be strapped down motionless for three hours – doesn’t walking around freely a few more minutes seem appealing?
No. You’re getting on as soon as possible, determined to stand immediately in front of the jetway with the bulky luggage you probably should have checked anyway, oblivious to the fact that they haven’t even called for First Class to board and your boarding pass says you’re in Boarding Group Never. Sit the fuck down and eat a Cinnabon.
Of course, these are the same clowns who spring forth from their seat and stake claim to a space two feet up the aisle within four nanoseconds of the pilot turning off the seat belt sign. We’re all getting off this plane within two minutes of each other, boss, so can you chill the hell out for a second so I can get to my overhead bin?