cupid gun Sucks.Bad

Now that I’m nestled in the cozy confines of a relationship, I took a minute to think about the joys of walking on the grass on the other side of the fence.  It is a lovely shade of green, as it turns out.  There’s an occasional pile of manure over here, but that’s how it stays so green, I guess.

There are a wealth of things I’m happy to leave behind in the bachelor world : watching Valentine’s Day commercials alone on the couch, dating in general, the vague uncertainty that you will ever reproduce – but no aspect of that life will be missed less than spending painful hours on

My aversion to it grew so strong that I had resigned myself to either just embracing a future as Crazy Cat Guy writing unpublished novels in a filthy study surrounded by dozens of shelter rescue kitties, or simply hoping I would wake up one morning and realize I was actually gay.   I would make an awesome bear, for the record.

I know what you’re thinking.  “Why not just go out and meet people some other way?”

That sounds simple enough in theory, but in practice it’s hard to identify specific times and places to go meet other single folk.  The older we get, the more isolated and entrenched in our routines we become – chance meetings reduce to almost none through the course of your day.  When you reach a certain age (I’d say mid-thirties) you’re pretty much out of places at which you can regularly meet available, desirable people.  Back in your twenties you had the bars and clubs to play in; but as the years slide by and your friends marry off, though, you find yourself without wingmen, and even if you had them – you’re now the creepy old people along the wall those little whippersnappers are making fun of.

So you’re left with online dating, or other, more uncomfortable contrived events to pair up lost souls.  As unromantic as it is, you can’t help but treat it as a numbers game.  You need to go where the largest number of available people are, to have the best chance of finding the right one.  That leads one to, who have marketed themselves effectively enough to become the McDonald’s of dating sites.

Much like their fast food counterpart, you’ll find something there, but ultimately nothing that you end up being really excited about.  Exactly how this comes to be is still somewhat of a mystery – how they manage to disappoint virtually everyone that uses the site is actually a small wonder of statistics; since so many people feel like their matches are “below” them, there should be an equal amount of people who feel like their matches are “above” them, but it never happens.  Everyone’s just kind of bummed about who they find. accomplishes this by neither bothering to find out anything substantial about you, nor using what scant data they do procure in any logical or meaningful way.  Just about every woman I know who has used the service specifies an age range near their own, only to be flooded with buckets of mail from men in their sixties, half of which feel it appropriate to include dick pics.

You can filter your results by body type – but who doesn’t think they are “about average”?  You can filter by exercise frequency – but who will admit to working out less than “two or three times per week”?  You can filter by education – but you can’t separate the well-educated from proud holders of an Associate’s Degree in Emoticons from Crazy Tony’s School of Online.

Why can’t I filter out people who can’t find the fucking Caps Lock key on their keyboard, or who pepper their headlines with “lol” and “totes”?  Where can I specify I only want to meet people who take less than five selfies per month?  Why isn’t there a check-box to eliminate anyone who watches American Idol?

Sadly, there isn’t anything you can do but shoehorn your life into that awkward form, hit ‘Send’, and hope for the best.  Millions of single people out there do have one thing in common – they can’t believe that sucks this badly.

17 thoughts on “ Sucks.Bad”

  1. As an older hetero dude, match.commie is matchless, I get nothing but cammers….on the upside I have spent entire nights matching wits them, the are people, mostly with very good language skills, who should be doing something more productive–working in advertising or law LOL…hope not. Whatever they need to do to feed the kids or keep granny in her heart meds. Let he is without sin get stoned first.

  2. Wish there was a way to LOVE this blog entry. sucks ass. They’re automatic renewal policy proves they don’t believe in their own service. THANK YOU for calling them out!

    1. absolutely SUCKS! They auto-reneewed on me and when I called for a cancellation and refund they told me they couldn’t. I was willing to prorate for what time had passed but still they said they couldn’t do anything. The truth is they stole from me (and many others) and simply didn’t want to give it back knowing there was nothing I could do about it except wait for the renewal to expire. They are fucking thieves!!! And to add insult to injury for the next six months I continued to get emails from them every few days saying they had found 24 new matches for me. Really? What the hell criteria were they using? Apparently a pulse was the only criteria! And it got to be really depressing getting emails aver few days telling me that my 24 new matches were either too young to be interested in me or just too damn fugly for me to be interested in them! And if that’s not bad enough they advertise on TV to remind all of us subscribers what huge liars they are! I wish I could tell every single person out there to avoid like the plague!!!

      1. I completely agree. I had them for a total of 32 hours and accidentally signed up for a 6 month program (they kept advertising a three day TRIAL yet they still wanted my card information) and I cancelled and they couldn’t refund me even a penny. They are absolutely horrible. A terrible company. You said everything perfectly and verbatim of what happened to me. They also said I logged into their site “71” times which is compltely false. I downloaded their horrible APP on my phone and they constantly sent me notifications and every time you click on that notification it obviously puts your through the app and that counts as a “log in.” This whole situation is ridiculous and there was NO ONE in my area and if there were they were so very… uhm, well, unfortunate looking (to put it kindly). I am telling everyone I know how terrible that website is and hope they all stay away. Thanks again.
        John Smith recently posted…Why I Left Facebook…My Profile

    2. I third that……

      This company is a basketcase. If I was a major stock holder or owner in this company I would burst into flames with anger if I knew of the customer experience I got in my attempt to purchase a subscription. Tried for 4 days to sign up for acct. It charged my card, then wouldn’t let me access acct. Requested forgotten password (3 times) in case I entered wrong, never got an email back. After numerous emails and calls to “customer care”, I got the same answer,…they didn’t know, and would “escalate” the request to a higher department, nobody ever called back. Email responses were either computer generated or someone saying they didn’t know and would refer it to someone else. The last call I made, I asked for the supervisor, after trying to talk me out of it they put me on hold, even though I had already given up any desire to join Match, I put it on speaker phone to see if how long it would take to get a supervisor. As I suspected they just left me on hold to rot, probably laughed about it,……42 minutes later no supervisor, and my phone finally went dead. WARNING!!!! If you give your cc # to,….you will never ever get anybody to respond to any inquiry if you have a problem accessing your account. I have read other reviews of ppl about, and it seems I am not alone. It is awkward to sign up for online dating as it is, this whole experience just make me despise Match for wasting my time, and making me feel embarrassed to have to keep arguing for my damn acct to be turned on after I paid. After this I am left with a very sour taste in my mouth, doubt I will attempt online dating again.

  3. I really want to click on the big red button at the bottom of the page that says “Do NOT Click Here”. Is that some kind of test of will power?

    Re: I think it’s human nature for people to think that they deserve a match that is ‘above’ their own objective desirability rating, whether that is based on hotness or richness or whatever. Fortunately sometimes one just gets lucky and hits it out of the park.

    Re: people who take more than 5 selfies per month. Don’t judge.

    1. Please, do judge! It’s been my experience that people who tell others not to judge are pretty damn judgemental themselves. Selfie-queens have issues!

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