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Shit That Needs to Stop : Facebook

Hark!  A sequel has been born!  Go look at seven more things you might be doing to annoy the shit out of people….

1)  Posting selfies at a rate greater than one per week.

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We know what you look like.  If we forgot, we can just go back and reference one of the 815 pictures you have posted to your Facebook wall in the past year.  We’ve seen you with and without a duck face, with and without your hair did, in front of your bathroom mirror and in front of assorted must-see tourist destinations around the world.  Got it.

If you must do it, bring something new to the table.  Goofy expression, finger up your nose, tasteful nude; your choice, just mix it up. 

2)  Invites to shitty Facebook game apps.

I don’t want to visit your farm, and I don’t want to crush candy.  I sure as hell don’t want to do whatever it takes to “give you a life” in Candy Crush, although if some form of taking a life in Candy Crush becomes an option, I will probably take the necessary steps to do so.

3)  Crowing about how bad of a day you’re having.

Out of scones at Starbucks?  Can’t shake that pesky infection?  Boss an asshole?  Yeah, these things happen.  They are also things that are of extremely limited interest to any other soul on this planet.  Even your loyal spouse would roll their eyes reading these things and think  “oh, for fuck’s sake already”.

If you have to vent, make it funny.  If you can’t, then it better be original – headaches and traffic don’t cut it.  This is how you do it :

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4)  Using status updates to communicate with your significant other.

Holy shit, do we not want to read this.  I don’t know which one is worse :

“OMG, I have the best husband EVER! He is the best! Love you so much Hubby McAnnoying!!!”

or

Wifey McAnnoying – I thought you said you would love me forever?  WTF??”

Either way, let’s go ahead and classify these thoughts as ‘private’, and go with a more direct verbal route, ok?  Everyone who reads it is apathetic at best and uncomfortable at worst, and this is what actually living together is for – it’s called social media, not private media.

5)  Gratuitous humblebragging.

Look, we know what you’re trying to do.  You’re posting a status update with something that sounds innocuous like “Having a great night out!”, only you’re attaching a picture of a bottle of Cristal sitting in the passenger seat of a Bugatti driven by a nude Ryan Gosling with an albino Siberian tiger sprawled on the hood.

If you want to broadcast your awesomeness, just own it.   A caption like “I am absolutely killing it right now” or “My life kicks ass” are at least genuine.

NOTE : look out for the word “lucky” or “blessed” in the text of these gaudy pictures as some sort of free pass for ostentatious displays of wealth.  The Pope is blessed – you’re just greedy and tacky.

6)  Posting results of dumb “tests” you’ve taken.

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You know what city you were meant to live in?  The one you fucking live in.  If you have a 700ft2 flat in Des Moines, then that is your destiny, as much as a baseless test written by an intern at BuzzFeed tries to convince you that you’re supposed to be in an artsy loft in San Francisco.

If you’re an entry level clerk in this lifetime, then it’s extremely unlikely you were royalty in a past life; and if you were, you obviously garnered some pretty fucked up karma to be downgraded this much.

Oh, and you’re not “56% Bitch” or “73% Creative”, you’re 100% irritating.  The end.

7)  Sharing posts imploring us to “like” or face moral consequences.

I’m pretty sure that the cancer cells killing that little boy won’t change their behavior if I “like” a picture of him on Facebook.  If I don’t share some crappy art with a quasi-patriotic military theme, it’s not because I don’t love my country or support my military – it’s because that is literally the most useless way I could think of to show my support.

If you want to spend your time advertising for improving things but ultimately doing nothing, I’m sure Komen is hiring.  If not, break the chain and stop wasting everyone’s time.

By the way, virtually all of these are a scam to benefit shady advertisers.

9 thoughts on “Shit That Needs to Stop : Facebook”

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    1. Not only is it ok, it is recommended. Share it not only on your wall, but the wall of all your friends. And don’t stop there – print it out and start posting it on actual walls wherever you live.

  2. I have a friend who posts selfies every day using the exact same expression…held tilt, looking a little perplexed. It’s actually hilarious. Unintentionally hilarious.

    Damn. I’ve been guilty of posting the quiz scores.I’ll stop now, I promise.
    Michelle recently posted…Emergency Bags and Leaky DataMy Profile

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