So, as some of you may know (I really don’t get into my backstory here, do I? I should write a book or something…) I spent a fair share of my life in the corporate office setting, being driven mildly insane by the dumb shit people do there. Yes, it wasn’t always sweatpants and Starbucks for your humble narrator – I used to be sitting where you are, right now, in a cubicle reading dumb shit on the internet with an Excel sheet open underneath it and a quick Taskbar trigger finger in case that asshole that gossips too much to your boss happens to walk behind you.
Anyway, the most concentrated, irritating, egregious aspects of these dipshits’ behavior manifest themselves over email. Here, now, are the worst of the offenses :
Unnecessary Corporate Enthusiasm Guy
FROM : Some Guy
TO : Unnecessary Corporate Enthusiasm Guy
Subject : Bagels
Hey dude, I heard they have bagels in the break room. Meet you there in 5 and grab a coffee?
FROM : Unnecessary Corporate Enthusiasm Guy
TO : Some Guy
Subject : RE : Bagels
Some Guy, I would love to, but I hold certain beliefs above all others – and those are clearly stated in our Core Objectives. I value Intelligence, Intensity, and Integrity more than anything else. Unfortunately, my Intensity forbids me from taking a break to commiserate and/or pick up baked goods. Sorry!
PS – but bring me an everything bagel if you walk by.
Yeah dude, we get it. You’re the Employee of the Millenium, and you’re going to make sure that if the CEO decides to go NSA and randomly pull up staff emails to see who is really dedicated to the organization, you’re going to be covered.