Shit That Needs to Stop : Business Email

So, as some of you may know (I really don’t get into my backstory here, do I?  I should write a book or something…) I spent a fair share of my life in the corporate office setting, being driven mildly insane by the dumb shit people do there.  Yes, it wasn’t always sweatpants and Starbucks for your humble narrator – I used to be sitting where you are, right now, in a cubicle reading dumb shit on the internet with an Excel sheet open underneath it and a quick Taskbar trigger finger in case that asshole that gossips too much to your boss happens to walk behind you.

Anyway, the most concentrated, irritating, egregious aspects of these dipshits’ behavior manifest themselves over email.  Here, now, are the worst of the offenses :

Unnecessary Corporate Enthusiasm Guy

FROM : Some Guy

TO : Unnecessary Corporate Enthusiasm Guy

Subject : Bagels

Hey dude, I heard they have bagels in the break room.  Meet you there in 5 and grab a coffee?

FROM : Unnecessary Corporate Enthusiasm Guy

TO : Some Guy

Subject : RE : Bagels

Some Guy, I would love to, but I hold certain beliefs above all others – and those are clearly stated in our Core Objectives.  I value Intelligence, Intensity, and Integrity more than anything else.  Unfortunately, my Intensity forbids me from taking a break to commiserate and/or pick up baked goods.  Sorry!

PS – but bring me an everything bagel if you walk by.

Yeah dude, we get it.  You’re the Employee of the Millenium, and you’re going to make sure that if the CEO decides to go NSA and randomly pull up staff emails to see who is really dedicated to the organization, you’re going to be covered.


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Captain Contact

FROM : Captain Contact

TO : Someone about to be frustrated

Subject : Urgent!

It is CRITICAL that you call me ASAP, we might lost the entire contract!!!!!


Captian Contact

Jr. Manager, Douchebag Incorporated

How hard is it, honestly, to include your phone number in the end of an email?  Or, God forbid, you actually automatically include a signature that contains it?  Now you’re forcing me to go dig up your number via the online directory that is horribly incomplete and still doesn’t have a field for “mobile”, or search under piles of paper to find the printed version our crazy admin drops off at our desks once a year whilst talking about all the hard work it took to put it together.

Reply All, All The Time

FROM : The Boss

TO : Tom, Dick, Harry

Subject : Meeting

Hey guys.  I’m thinking about doing an impromptu staff meeting in my office at 3pm.  If you absolutely can’t make it, let me know.  Thanks.

 FROM : Dick

TO : The Boss

Cc : Tom, Harry

Subject : RE : Meeting

Hey boss… yeah, I’ll try, I really will.  But I’m just SO backed up with the Penske file, and you know I worked last night, and my wife is all mad about my hours lately, and I’ve got this rash that I can’t find an example of anywhere on WebMd, so….yeah I’ll be there I guess.

This is a variant of Unnecessary Corporate Enthusiasm Guy; the difference being that UCEG actually feels that fucked-up sense of loyalty to the company, whereas this jackass just wants the world to think he’s suffering under the weight of an inhuman workload, and he’s making sure you’re copied on his cries for attention.

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The Incomplete Answerer

FROM : Octavio

TO : Kristin

Subject : Misc

Time : Friday, January 23, 2015   11:11 AM

Hey Kris… so, a few things here I need your feedback on…

– What sandwich do you want? Alex is doing a lunch run

– Do you need more pens ordered?

– What’s the disarm code for that bomb in the IT Room set to blow up in five minutes?

 FROM : Kristin

TO : Octavio

Subject : RE : Misc

Time : Friday, January 23, 2015   11:15 AM

Hi Oct!  Thanks for asking.

– Tuna salad, on wheat

– Yes, only black ones please

Anything else you need to know, just holler back!

I mean, you opened the email.  You clearly read it.  You answered most of the questions but not the one immediately after the ones you answered.  How does this even happen?  And how, every fucking time, do you manage to not answer the question that was by far the most important?!

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