Now that we’re all grown-ups, let’s agree that virtually everything people say they’re looking for in a mate is bullshit. Grade AAA, unmitigated, hard-to-keep-a-straight-face bullshit. When asked, both genders will dutifully and predictably rattle off the “proper” laundry list of traits they are seeking in a mate : smart, nice, loving, funny, and loyal.
It’s not that we all don’t want those things – but there’s plenty we do want that we leave off the list when sharing it with others, lest we sound shallow, and the unsaid items may well dwarf the spoken ones in importance when making partner evaluations in our biased heads.
We know this. It’s the reason that guy or girl you know who makes you cry laughing and has the heart of a saint soldiers on alone, while that tall douchebag executive who won’t stop talking about CrossFit or the vapid selfish airhead with perfect breasts seem to attract the opposite sex effortlessly; our words and our actions don’t align when we’re playing The Dating Game.
The obligatory disclaimers :
- Yes, there are exceptions.
- Yes, the traits we say we want are in fact the ones that support a healthy, long-lasting relationship. Unfortunately, they often fail to match what draws us to a person initially.
- Men and Women are equally flawed in this respect.
- The absence of any gender other than “male” or “female” in the text above and tomfoolery below, and the implication that men desire women and vice versa are purely byproducts of simplifying and satirizing the discussion. No offense, exclusion, or implied disapproval of other gender identifications or sexual preferences is intended.
Now, some fun with the bullshit we all committed or are committing :
Introducing the patented* tanktronic.com Desirability Score! Simply answer all the questions below honestly and completely, and you’ll find out how the opposite sex really measures you when they incorporate all the shallow, physical, materialistic bullshit factors we all say we don’t when choosing a mate! It wouldn’t be crass and unromantic enough if we didn’t give the answer in the form of a number between zero and one hundred – so that’s exactly what we did!
Take the test, and remember to have fun with it. For optimal enjoyment, pick out married couples you know and answer as both the husband and wife – watch their scores fall within 10% of each other every time! Or, if they don’t, promptly text one of them about how they married up and/or down, and you have empirical proof of it.
Click on your gender below and go!
* totally not patented