catfish

Dating Hell : My Week as a Hot Chick

My animosity towards match.com has been well documented,  although I never did delve into the results from my use of the service – mostly because no one gives a shit, it’s depressing, and now moot. To be as succinct as possible and recap almost a decade on and off the dating site, it boiled down to cycle of sending about four dozen emails, getting four responses, going on dates for a few weeks until the very last embers of a romantic flame were extinguished, swearing off the process for a few months, then repeating it in its entirety.  This happened like, 27 times total.  The actual definition of insanity, essentially.

What I always was frustrated by the most was the first part of the process – why did I get responses from only 10% of the women I contacted?  I actually put some thought and wit into the messages (and if you’re reading this, you’ve clearly bought in to my charm *wink*), and I like to think I correctly assessed myself as an average looking man, trying to not go out of my league in the looks department when messaging someone.

The reason remained a mystery to me, my only guess  being that men, socially expected to be the initiator of these connections, were pumping out volumes of messages and overwhelming the women, who could only address a fraction of the tidal wave of cheeky banter sent their way.

Fast forward to this week, where I learned – to great amusement and insight – just how frustrating this whole thing could be on the other side of the dating fence.

You see, I have a female friend looking to shake things up in her pattern of dating.  She hasn’t been satisfied with the kinds of guys that have made their way to her, so I suggested she do something different.

To make sure she got different results, I proposed she post a match.com profile, and let me filter the results; I would decide which messages got deleted immediately, and who would pass the initial screen and have their messages read by her.  I didn’t respond or write messages as her, as that would be a level of deceit that even I am not comfortable with.

This friend of mine is considered to be very attractive, so I knew there would be a lot of messages coming our way in short order.  I was excited to just sit back and watch the awkwardness and aggressiveness roll in to her mailbox.  For a week, I screened messages from a wide array of men.  However, she had a set of parameters she was looking for, and stated as such on her profile :

  • Aged around 30, give or take a handful of years
  • Non-smoker
  • College Graduate
  • Over 5’10”  (the female obsession with tall men is analogous to, and no more defendable than male obsession with big breasts, but that’s a whole other article)

In the first week, she (I) received approximately two hundred messages.  Of these messages, a full three-quarters of them came from men that did not meet the four criteria listed above – and some were laughably distant from it.  They either didn’t bother to actually look at what she was seeking, or just didn’t care.  Right from the start, only 25% of the men sending messages represented possible matches.

They weren’t the most loquacious, either.  The average message was a paltry 23 words (for reference, the paragraph above is 68 words).  Worse yet, 21% of the messages were under ten fucking words.  When your introduction to your prospective soul mate is less verbose than my order at Taco Bell, your ass does not deserve a response, son.

For your guilty pleasure, below are the most egregious, uncomfortable, and laughable attempts at courting this mystery lady.

TERRIBLE

 Well, I guess I’ll believe you on being the opposite of “duchbaggy.” You may not believe that chivalry is dead, but you clearly think proper spelling is.  Good thing you respect people haaaaaaaaaa!


TERRIBLE3

I have absolutely no idea what he’s saying… although he appears unsure what testicles are all about.


TERRIBLE4

Smooth.  His Freudian slip of using “made” instead of “born” supports my long-held belief that Canadians are actually cyborgs.


TERRIBLE6

My Interest Starts And Ends At Finding Out  Why You Feel The Need To Capitalize Every Fucking Word


TERRIBLE8

Slow down, Shakespeare.


TERRIBLE7

You’re right.  And you completely blew it.


So, single women of internetz past, if I ever muttered your names in anger years ago when I wondered why you wouldn’t take the time to write me back – I’m sorry.  I totally get it now.  I would “Select All” and “Delete” after a week of this shit, too.

 

 

5 thoughts on “Dating Hell : My Week as a Hot Chick”

  1. Match really sucks the big one. Three miserable dates.
    Suggestions for men:
    Get your teeth cleaned.
    Don’t wear a baseball hat on a date, and if you do, take it off indoors.
    Don’t contact a woman 3,000 miles from your location. Plane fare should not be needed for a first date.

  2. Wow, I feel like I’ve gotten some of those same replies. Tell your friend I feel for her, as I’ve spent the past decade or so doing the same off and on with dating on the interwebs, and usually end up with battered woman syndrome about it: “maybe this time it will be different”.

    My personal favorite as of late was the man who e-mailed me to assure me that his mom raised him to be a gentleman, and then as he was walking me back to my car, was trying to get me to admit if I’ve ever slept with a black man or not, then when on to say how a lot of white men fantasize about being with black women (mind you, I’m a white girl), and then e-mailed me after the date to say he would have been interested in more than just dinner, and started to compare me to a woman he had a date with the other day, and thanked me for wearing something other than jeans, and “after an hour I’m ready to jump a girl wearing a sundress and heels”.

    I wanted to respond and tell him that his mother failed on the whole “raising a gentleman” part.

  3. WELL DONE, Tank! Our mutual friend kind-of kept me in the loop, but this entry far surpassed any expectations that I had for a great laugh. The dating scene is scary, the online dating scene even more so. I cannot walk my dog within a 5 mile radius of my house, thanks to Tinder and men who start conversations with “Come sit on my face”.

    anyway…well-written! I enjoyed it…especially the Canadians. (sigh), they are my favourite.

  4. By the way, people… the rough draft of this had pictures of the guys, which made it even better – including one of the creepiest stares you have ever seen – but I didn’t think it was fair to the poor guys. But if you ever see me at the bar, remind me to show you.

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