Category Archives: Laugh

Shit That Needs to Stop : Plane Behavior

Look, people are stupid.  We know this.  There are too many people watching Two and a Half Men or downloading Nicki Minaj’s “music” to conclude anything different.  Under normal conditions, us intelligent folk can navigate our way through the minefield of idiocy relatively unscathed.  Note : I took the liberty of assuming if you’re reading this, you must be intelligent…or at the very least have excellent taste.

When you cram 150 random people into a twelve-foot diameter tube, though – that’s a whole lot of concentrated dumb.  Surviving several hours in this pressurized pipe can be a trying test for even the most passive passenger.  If you ever wondered why you find yourself weighing out the consequences of committing assault and battery halfway through your flight, these are likely the reasons why.

Continue reading Shit That Needs to Stop : Plane Behavior

Shit That Needs to Stop : Facebook II

In case you missed it, we posted the first set of Facebook atrocities earlier this year.  You might want to start there.  Or do these first.  It’s not like there’s a plot to follow.

1) Using a Photo of Your Child as Your Profile Picture

Yeah, so, I didn’t ask to become friends with your 4-year old.  I’m sure he’s a great guy and everything, probably a wonderful conversationalist, but I was actually  more interested in keeping in touch with you.  Kind of like, you know, the reason for being on Facebook to begin with.

“But he’s such a big part of my life!  It represents me!”

Yeah, well, I watch a lot of porn, but you don’t see me using Sasha Grey as my profile picture.

Ideally, we want to see what you look like; you should know that 90% of the reason Facebook exists is to see how hot or ugly our former classmates and ex-girlfriends and boyfriends have become.  Do your part.  If you want to throw your kid in there as an accessory, fine.  Want to have the occasional graphic or logo to celebrate or protest something?  Go nuts.  But we don’t need pictures of someone else. Continue reading Shit That Needs to Stop : Facebook II

The Six Worst Things That Happen at a Drive Thru

Ah, America.  The land of freedom and opportunity, including the opportunity to not even have to pull your fat ass out of your car to acquire your 1,500 calorie bag of grease.  It’s an almost embarrassingly lazy practice – but it is so…damn…convenient.  I indulge the urge to swing through and pick up an unhealthy payload more often than I should; then again, when you see the shitshow of humanity loitering about inside these fast-food joints, you remember it’s the lesser of two evils.  The next time I can eat a meal inside a Taco Bell without a morbidly obese mother of three ADHD-inflicted children engaged in a heated relationship argument with her baby’s daddy on her rhinestone-encrusted iPhone 4 will be the first time.

Continue reading The Six Worst Things That Happen at a Drive Thru

Shit That Needs to Stop : Facebook

Hark!  A sequel has been born!  Go look at seven more things you might be doing to annoy the shit out of people….

1)  Posting selfies at a rate greater than one per week.

funeral_selfie

We know what you look like.  If we forgot, we can just go back and reference one of the 815 pictures you have posted to your Facebook wall in the past year.  We’ve seen you with and without a duck face, with and without your hair did, in front of your bathroom mirror and in front of assorted must-see tourist destinations around the world.  Got it.

If you must do it, bring something new to the table.  Goofy expression, finger up your nose, tasteful nude; your choice, just mix it up.  Continue reading Shit That Needs to Stop : Facebook

Match.com Sucks.Bad

Now that I’m nestled in the cozy confines of a relationship, I took a minute to think about the joys of walking on the grass on the other side of the fence.  It is a lovely shade of green, as it turns out.  There’s an occasional pile of manure over here, but that’s how it stays so green, I guess.

There are a wealth of things I’m happy to leave behind in the bachelor world : watching Valentine’s Day commercials alone on the couch, dating in general, the vague uncertainty that you will ever reproduce – but no aspect of that life will be missed less than spending painful hours on match.com.

Continue reading Match.com Sucks.Bad