Category Archives: Laugh

Shit That Needs to Stop : Driving

Whenever I talk about getting a driver’s license with my friends from Europe, they express considerable shock at how easy it is for us Americans to earn the right to drive.  Whereas getting your license in Germany requires years of classes and training and thousands of dollars, here in ‘Merica you can get one with about $99, a few hours, and a pulse.

I understand the lack of mass transit here makes this arrangement almost necessary, lest we have an entire generation of would-be students and workers stranded at home playing Destiny on their PS4s, but the result of the bar for driving eligibility being set ocean-bottom-low is painfully apparent out on our streets and highways.  Here are the most annoying, dangerous, and infuriating examples of shitty drivers dominating our thoroughfares.

Get In (Or Out Of) Your Lane

At least once, in every commute over ten miles using our wonderful Interstate system, I will encounter one example of Rights Guy.  He’s in the far left lane, with his cruise control set at 69mph in a 70mph zone.  He has his hands at 10 and 2 on the wheel, staring straight ahead, and he’s probably listening to Lee Greenwood.  Continue reading Shit That Needs to Stop : Driving

Shit That Needs to Stop : Hotels

Back in a previous life, when I used to virtually live in hotels – sometimes literally so – it became exceedingly apparent that these were strange little places.  There were some omnipresent highlights; like meticulously clean bathrooms and that feeling of dropping onto a perfectly made bed for the first time.  More often than not, though, hotels proved to be home to a maddening collection of offenses by both staff and fellow travelers alike.  These are the worst of those transgressions.

The Eternal Check-In

When I made a reservation, I gave you my name, address, email, phone number, and all my credit card info.  I presume that somewhere in the complex workings of innkeeping, you reserved a room in some fashion for me at that same time.

Continue reading Shit That Needs to Stop : Hotels

Shit That Needs to Stop : Starbucks

Starbucks was once a place I avoided at all costs; my temporary occupation as a writer, though, has all but forced me to embrace the Seattle Satan in my everyday routine.  It’s not all bad, it serves its purpose, and from time to time it’s a thoroughly enjoyable couple of hours.  Some aspects, however, I just can’t deal with.

The Impatient Barista

Here’s a typical exchange between myself and the green-aproned soul taking my order :

ME : “I’ll have a Grande Hazelnut Coffee…an-“

BARISTA : “Ok is that all?” Continue reading Shit That Needs to Stop : Starbucks

Dick Remote Guy

Below is another excerpt from the forthcoming book, due early next year…

As my mid-thirties approached and I was still unmarried – hell, I hadn’t even strung together more than six months of dating one person in years – I began to feel isolated from the friends I had cherished since our time in college.  The friends with kids weren’t going to leave the house when weekend nights came to pass, and the friends married sans kids weren’t very keen on going to the kind of places single people wanted to go – namely, places with lots of other single people.  Thus began the cycle of having to make a choice each weekend – you could make solitary attempts at finding love, or spend the time enjoying friends while acknowledging you implicitly signed up for one more week of being alone.

No anecdote better summarized the ridiculous hopelessness of dating than the girl who told me the tale of Remote Guy.  It was our second date; the first had gone well enough, and we were exchanging stories of frustration about being thirty-something and single, the well seemingly run dry for the lot of us.  She told me of a guy she dated earlier that summer who sat across the table from her in a bar overlooking Woodward Avenue during the Dream Cruise, a Detroit tradition where classic cars cruise the street one weekend each year.  Looking over the sea of antique steel and car guys, he asked my date “Hey… do you have DirecTV?”

Continue reading Dick Remote Guy