Why is Jimmy John’s so freaky fast?
– AH in Royal Oak, MI
There are several common misperceptions about how Jimmy John’s can get those delicious sandwiches to you so quickly – most of which are based on hyperactive sandwich makers, a loose interpretation of local speed laws by the delivery drivers, a faulty perception of time elapsed by the distracted orderer, or some combination therein.
The actual answer is at the same time much simpler, and [literally] infinitely more complicated.
Every Jimmy John’s franchise location contains certain things – cash registers, some booths, a soda machine, a sandwich-making bar, and a wormhole.
Yes, a wormhole capable of enabling instantaneous intergalactic travel. Don’t believe me? Look at the minimum investment requirement for opening a JJ store :
Half a million bucks to put together a fucking turkey sandwich? I don’t think so. The vast majority of that cost is to buy a wormhole from amazon.com. Side note : of all the luxury items you can buy, a wormhole really gives you the most bang for your buck. Will your woman be excited that you gave her a 25 carat flawless diamond ring? Sure, but deep down inside you both know that’s been done to death. But bringing her an actual, living baby dinosaur? She’ll remember that shit, son.
Anyway, the standard delivery sequence for each sandwich is for the “driver” to take your order into a 2005 Pontiac Sunfire, drive said car around the back of the building, into the wormhole, and then instantly appearing in your driveway. When’s the last time you saw the JJ delivery car approaching you down the street? Exactly.
For the less scientifically inclined, we provide a detailed diagram of the process :
Since the potential for misuse of said wormhole is so great – if you thought teenage slacker fast-food workers could cause mischief with a deep fryer, wait until you see what they can do with free access to time travel – every employee must first complete extensive training on both how to respect the wormhole, and how to believably deny its existence.
To fully appreciate the extent of this training, go to your nearest Jimmy John’s franchise and ask to speak the manager. When they appear, demand to see the wormhole. Watch the completely-genuine-looking faces of confusion and fear they will flash back at you. To really be impressed, push the issue. Start screaming and pounding on the counter that you want to see the wormhole. Either a male employee will sheepishly show you his penis as a distraction technique, or you will be escorted out of the building by local authorities.
Either way, you can rest assured that the fate of the universe as we know it is in safe hands, and your sandwich will always appear in five minutes or less. Maybe even before you ordered it.