Hey Anti-Vax Parents : Why Aren’t You Smoking?

So, I hear you’re an anti-vax parent?  Yes?  Wow, that’s interesting.

From what people tell me, you believe vaccines are useless at best, an express train to autism at worst, and you refuse to expose your children to such dangerous snake oil garbage?  So that’s true?  Ok.

Well, hey, how ya doin’?  Feeling clean, healthy… natural?  Great.

Look, I know we’ve had this chat before, and I got a little goofy with it, as I’m wont to do, but I want to ratchet up the seriousness and try this again, alright?  I want to approach this from a slightly different angle this time around.

Let’s go ahead and just throw medical statistics out the window.  We both know how that will play out anyway – I’m going to present research and statistics from the Center for Disease Control, American Medical Association, and the National Institutes of Health.  You’re going to counter, then, with your research and statistics from pureorganicnaturalparenting.com, a conspiracy theory discussion forum, and the anecdotal experiences of your cousin Trish who “works in the medical field”, which is to say she wears scrubs to a job wherein she utilizes her associate’s degree in medical billing by deftly captaining the front desk of a podiatrist office.  You’ll say I’m “brainwashed by the government and corporations” and I’ll call you “a fucktard jackwagon of idiocy.”  See, there’s no need for that.

Instead, let me ask you this: why aren’t you smoking?

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You don’t think it’s bad for you, do you?  Oh come on, haven’t you heard about the two-year-old who smokes two packs a day?  Look at him – he’s fine!  Probably doesn’t have measles, either – tobacco is full of essential oils.  Did you not hear the story of the 126-year-old guy in Brazil who smokes a pack a day?  If smoking is so bad for you, then how the hell can homeboy born in the fucking 19th Century still be kicking it down in Amazon Country?  I mean, there’s some skepticism about his birth certificate authenticity, but you’re not exactly one to demand the highest standards for verifiable facts, amirite?  Ha, I kid.

But seriously, why aren’t you smoking?  I mean, the proof is right there – no adverse medical effects whatsoever.  You need a light?  No?!?

Wait – you’re telling me that anecdotal outliers like these don’t invalidate mountains of research proving that smoking is actually harmful for you?  I thought that’s how this works – I show you hearsay examples of my belief, you retort with overwhelming data pointing to the opposite conclusion, but ultimately you just accept my example as fact, bing bang boom.  No?

You’re seriously not going to smoke?

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But…but…wait.  Hold on.  The research daring to demonize cigarette smoking as deadly was validated by the CDC, AMA, and NIH – I thought they were incompetent shills?  If you so adamantly and violently reject their advice on vaccination, why would you implicitly endorse their advice on smoking?

What?  You’re telling me that when it comes to vaccines, these organizations are bought and paid for by Big Pharma?  That’s funny; I always heard the money was in the treatment, not the cure.  Anyway, so, I’m still confused.  If Big Pharma can pay off myriad institutions created for public benefit, staffed by thousands of impeccably-credentialed researchers who dedicated their studies and careers to improving public health – why couldn’t Big Tobacco do the same thing?  They’re both trillion-dollar industries, after all, so how did one of them so effectively blind the public to their evil manipulation while the other failed miserably to accomplish the same goal?

You know who should call Big Pharma?  Big Oil.  Those motherfuckers pull in revenue five times the amount of Big Pharma and they still can’t convince the public that climate change is a hoax.  Hell, even the Senate Republicans – to whom they provide  cash-coated handjobs on an annual basis – publicly admitted they’re destroying our environment.  They could definitely use some of that truth-obscuring magic.

You know what?  Fuck it.  This is all too confusing.  I need a cigarette.

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